97.3% of all statistics are made up.

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count
and those who cannot.

Q. Did you hear the one about the statistician?*A.* Probably....

Q. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?*A.* Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule."

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?*A.* You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

Q. Why did the cat fall off the roof?*A.* Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

Q. What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?*A.* A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

Q. What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?*A.* Zorn's Lemon.

Q. What's purple and commutes?*A.* An abelian grape.

Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?*A.* He works it out with a pencil.

Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?*A.* That's the Law of Spline Demand.

Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent?

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q. What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?*A.* Mobius Dick.

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?*A.* One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to the earlier riddle.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

Q. Why aren't gardens algebraically closed?*A.* Because plants don't have square roots.